Every choice you make, every step, every pause, every move you make has a consequence. It’s the basic law of physics and fate, and if things are not where you hoped it would lead you to you either have reasons or regrets. You can either justify it to yourself why and how this is where you are, or you simmer and drown in your own world where you keep beating yourself up over your past judgements.
I’m quite a quirky person when it comes to feelings and emotions and such, my biggest battle is with me, and my biggest hold back are the walls that I have spent years building , and my biggest motivation to strive on and be a part something beautiful and something worth having is also me. I have taught myself over time that if a time or place should come that you have to bid farewell to a chapter, a person, an inexplicable relationship or emotions, it is only for the better, that you have to keep moving forward and not let anything make you look back and in most cases.. I don’t.
Cause if farewell has arrived, for me it always meant that it will be soon followed by a better beginning. Where you have and give more dignity with that certain chapter, whether it’s a phrase of life or a particular person it doesn’t matter. I just keep telling myself that there will be more in the next page.
My ways of finding solace in solitude and silent thoughts, I daresay have been triggered from endless dissappointments in terms of communication and expectations. The fact that I have been let down by others has made me train myself to expect from thyself only. So how does one live with such perception of life? Life where you have been designed, created in a way so you can communicate with each other and build and share and connect. We are social creatures, it’s etched on our skin.
It’s not possible to just create your own little world and stay there, denying this realm. Most people who have done so have been assigned to certain places, “asylums”.
So I found it better to let myself go, but catch myself in the last brink everytime. It’s so exhausting to be constantly on the lookout of your own back, your own safety, maintaining the safehouse you keep your heart locked in. But at the end of the day, I know that I will be okay as long as I have me, my silence no matter how deafening it is for me is also my most comfortable state.