Mirrors.

Aside

mirror10

I’ve read somewhere that when people see themselves in the mirror, they see a 5x prettier version of themselves, and I went like ‘oh craap ‘

But the above fact never bothered to me, it shouldn’t, it has no reason to. My every encounter with a mirror was a just a mere passing glance, or due to the necessity for the occasional art work of my face known as make up. But I have never really stopped to look, to see, to really see and notice the traces, the shadows of changes and life it has left on me.Time and tide and tears and truth that has eroded my skin and soul over this life time…until today.

I stopped today and looked, really looked. I saw the little flaws, I saw my fav parts, ones I used to be fond of, I realized that my eyebrows weren’t done right this time around, that I have gained weight, that my lips are still the same and I still like them very much. But I also stared into my own eyes, and let it speak to each other like my thoughts speak to me so often. And I wanted time to stand, hold still, to not bring any more changes, not to my face, not to my relationships, not to my life and my perspective of it. I’m such an optimist, a positive energy barrel.Belief that the warmth of your soul and aura can melt away any ice if you just want it to, if you just let it.  I wanted time to stop eroding away bits and chips and milestones so quickly away from my journey, I feel like I’ve just started , this is the beginning right? Right?

Maybe it’s a quarter life crisis (if there is such a thing) or maybe I should stop and confront myself more. And not keep locking away everything all the time for tomorrow, what if tomorrow has come and gone and I never realized because I was too busy with mundane things of today, I keep myself busy, distracted, happy, surrounded, cheerful, and it works brilliantly. It does, and I am truly truly blessed for the company that I do have. The company that I chose and they chose me in return. Whole heartedly…or so I believe, hope for it to be.

I want to take a moment, a breathe, hit the pause button for 30 seconds. So I can stop, so I can stop turning with the tide, churning in the changes. Let it all sink in, weigh in, drown me if it must…so I can drown and come up for a gasp of fresh air, a gulp of relief , a fresh start for 30 seconds. A momentary clean slate. No scars, no sighs, no dusty dark corner in my soul’s epitaph.

Silence.

Every choice you make, every step, every pause, every move you make has a consequence. It’s the basic law of physics and fate, and if things are not where you hoped it would lead you to you either have reasons or regrets. You can either justify it to yourself why and how this is where you are, or you simmer and drown in your own world where you keep beating yourself up over your past judgements.

I’m quite a quirky person when it comes to feelings and emotions and such, my biggest battle is with me, and my biggest hold back are the walls that I have spent years building , and my biggest motivation to strive on and be a part something beautiful and something worth having is also me. I have taught myself over time that if a time or place should come that you have to bid farewell to a chapter, a person, an inexplicable relationship or emotions, it is only for the better, that you have to keep moving forward and not let anything make you look back and in most cases.. I don’t.

Cause if farewell has arrived, for me it always meant that it will be soon followed by a better beginning. Where you have and give more dignity with that certain chapter, whether it’s a phrase of life or a particular person it doesn’t matter. I just keep telling myself that there will be more in the next page.

My ways of finding solace in solitude and silent thoughts, I daresay have been triggered from endless dissappointments in terms of communication and expectations. The fact that I have been let down by others has made me train myself to expect from thyself only. So how does one live with such perception of life? Life where you have been designed, created in a way so you can communicate with each other and build and share and connect. We are social creatures, it’s etched on our skin.

It’s not possible to just create your own little world and stay there, denying this realm. Most people who have done so have been assigned to certain places, “asylums”.

So I found it better to let myself go, but catch myself in the last brink everytime. It’s so exhausting to be constantly on the lookout of your own back, your own safety, maintaining the safehouse you keep your heart locked in. But at the end of the day, I know that I will be okay as long as I have me, my silence no matter how deafening it is for me is also my most comfortable state.

Image